This week..well…Steve died. I returned from a trip to Tucson to see a dear someone I consider the closest thing to a brother I have, and it went poorly, and I barely saw him so to speak.
For some reason, I really missed my kids, more than normal, even though I was only at work.
Sometimes, and I am sure everyone gets this at some point if they live long enough, it just hits you that you might be half way DONE, IF you are lucky. Your final grandparent dies. A hero dies. A friendship hits a bump. Your relationship crashes into something hard. Your mom, whom you realize you are BLESSED to still have right near by, says something that angers you and distances you. Your Aunt, whom you love and trust, is 3,000 fucking miles away, and you ache just to see her and laugh for 10 minutes. You go to work, populated by people who are basically strangers, and feel HOME. My new job is populated by beautiful, imperfect people who appreciate me. This feels GOOD. How. Odd. Life, if nothing else, is NOT dull, never boring, never predictable. You can pin many things on it, but life is a variable mother fucker. I miss Steve and I never shared a room with him. I miss Peg, and I am surprised how much. I miss Marion and wish I had more time with her, and realize that that was mostly due to Peg. I miss Jan, but I am happy she is not near, because for the most part, I encouraged her to be immersed in the joy she is up to her neck in. I miss Ram, yet I want to smack him. This is how I know we are brothers. I miss Sue, and she is right upstairs. I miss Pooh, yet in spirit, he is right next to me in Finn. I miss Jaqi, because she is not in her little room where I went to get grounded and feed off her beauty, purity of intent and clarity of hope. I miss Vickie, yet she won’t pick up the phone. In essence, I guess the culmination of life, at least in part, is having been fortunate enough to have enough things and people you loved to have them to miss. For that, I am thankful, but sometimes, thankful hurts. Today, and in fact, this week, has been sometimes.